Some lovely quotes from the books of Ebenezum, by Craig Shaw Gardner.
ONE
“ ’A wizard is only as good as his spells,’
people will often say. It is telling, however, that this statement is
only made by people who have never been wizards themselves.
Those of us who have chosen to pursue a sorcerous career know that a
knowledge of spells is only one small facet of the successful magician.
Equally vital are a quick wit, a soothing tongue, and, perhaps most
important, a thorough knowledge of back alleys, underground passageways,
and particularly dense patches of forest, for those times when the
spell you knew so well doesn‘t quite work after all.”
TWO
“Reasoned decision is important, and there comes a time in every
wizard’s life when he must decide what goal he should pursue to give
true meaning to his life. Should it be money, or travel, or fame? And
what of leisure and the love of women? I myself have studied many of
these goals for a number of years, examining their every facet in some
detail, so that, when the time comes to make that fateful decision of
which I spoke, it will be reasoned in the extreme. “
THREE
“Every sorcerer should explore as much of the world as he can, for
travel is enlightening. There are certain circumstances, such as a major
spell gone awry, or an influential customer enraged at the size of your
fee, where travel becomes more enlightening still.”
FOUR
“ ‘Never trust another sorcerer’ is a saying unfortunately all too
common among magical practitioners. Actually, there are many instances
where one can easily trust a fellow magician, such as cases where no
money is involved, or when the other mage is operating at such a
distance that his spells can’t possibly affect you.”
FIVE
“Your average ghost is a much more complex and interesting individual
than is generally imagined. Just because someone is dragging chains or
has one’s head perpetually in flames does not necessarily make them of a
lesser class. Some ghosts, especially those with heads attached and
mouths to speak through, are actually quite good conversationalists,
with other-worldly stories by the score. In addition, ghosts
generally subscribe to the happy custom of disappearing completely at
dawn, a habit many living associates and relatives might do well to
cultivate.”
SIX
“A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact
remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is
for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of
using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times.”
SEVEN
“There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it
swells and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in
concentrated pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots,
leaving them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that
if you stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your
intelligence.”
EIGHT
“Even for a wizard there will often come times when someone close to
you, perhaps even your spouse, criticizes your habits by comparing them
to those of animals. This is distinctly unfair to the animals, who have
far better habits than we in many areas. When, for example, have you
seen a frog collecting taxes or a squirrel running for electoral office?
Present arguments like these to those people who criticize you. If they
still do not see the wisdom of your ways, you may then feel free to
bite them.”
NINE
“Wizards, like all mortals, need their rest. Casting spells, righting
wrongs, and putting a little away for your old age can all be draining
occupations. The true wizard must therefore always insist on a good
night’s sleep, and a few days’ respite between tasks. After some
particularly grueling work, a couple of weeks in the country are not out
of line. In the aftermath of truly major assignments, of course,
nothing less than a seaside vacation will do. And what of those
situations in which a wizard’s work affects the very world around him,
perhaps the fabric of the cosmos itself? Well, be advised that prime
accommodations in Vushta must be reserved at least two months in
advance.”
TEN
“The common folk have many sayings, all about it being darkest before
the dawn and clouds with silver linings and suchlike. We in the magical
trade like to express our opinions of these matters somewhat
differently. A lifetime of experience will have taught the average
sorcerer that no matter how hopeless the situation seems, no matter how
painful and fraught with danger his options may be, no matter how close
he may be to an indescribably hideous death and perhaps even eternal
damnation, still, the good wizard knows, it can always get far worse.
ELEVEN
“Nothing is quite so unexpected as the truth. If, for example, you
find your spells inadequate to defeat the local dragon, immediately go
to your employers and apologize profusely. They should be so taken aback
by your show of humility that you will have plenty of time to hastily
vacate the area, allowing the dragon to eat your employers rather than
you, and thus halt any ugly rumors they might have spread about your
competence. “
TWELVE
“It is a mistake to think of all demons as being exactly alike. Some
are short while others are tall; some are yellow, others are blue; some
are nasty and others are extremely nasty. Some of the nastiest are quite
fast as well. Should you encounter one of these, it is a mistake to
think at all. Much more appropriate are such responses as running,
screaming, and the very rapid formulation of a last will and testament.”
THIRTEEN
“Casual amusement can be one of a wizard’s greatest problems. After
all, when one can conjure virtually anything, what can one do to ‘get
away from it all’?
“Different wizards arrive at different solutions for their
entertainment. A sorcerer of my acquaintance decided to increase his
physical prowess through a vigorous program of exercise but found that
his new muscles were wont to rip his robes midconjure. Another mage
decided to develop the interplay between tongue and teeth so that he
could exactly reproduce any insect noise imaginable. He became so
successful at this that they discovered his corpse one midsummer’s eve,
suffocated by six thousand three hundred and two amorous katydids. And
of the wizard who tried to start personal communications between humans
and sheep . . . well, the less said the better.”
FOURTEEN
“Religion is a personal matter, and those of us in the sorcerous
profession would do well to steer clear of it. Still, you will find some
situations, say a spell accidentally demolishing someone’s holy temple,
where you will be given the choice of (one) conversion to their belief,
or (two) being sacrificed to their deity. It is only at times like this
when one realizes the true depth and beauty of religions, at least
until one can find some way out of town.”
FIFTEEN
“So you think you know great, nail-biting excitement, you think you
know truly abject fear, you think you know total and complete despair,
you think you know the incredibly degenerate underside of this world we
live in, and the ridiculously despicable lengths that your fellow man
can sink to, more rotten, more putrid than the lowest form of fungus. . .
. Oh. You are a sorcerer as well. Then perhaps you do.”
SIXTEEN
“Beginnings and endings are, for the most part, artificial
constructs. You say you begin when you are born, but what of those
months spent growing in the womb? Endings are hazier still, for further
things may occur that extend and enlarge the earlier story. And that is
my final sentence on the subject. Or perhaps this one is the final
sentence. No, most assuredly what I write now is the final word on the
matter. But now that I think upon it, perhaps this.“